When we adopted Lydia, I knew that I should prepare myself for probing questions, strange comments, and unintentional insensitivity from others. I have mostly been unscathed by these thus far. Sometimes I just ignore; and a lot of the time, I use the situation as a way to educate people about adoption---the challenges, the joys, and living with a little one who has institutional effects.
Most people are interested in knowing more about international adoption, how we got Lydia, etc. I'll admit, it does get old telling her story to sometimes complete strangers or trying to find ways to describe the process of adopting a special needs baby without spilling out all of her private medical information. It is awkward
I still occasionally read the adoption chat groups and see an adoptive mommy's post about her most recent experience with a stranger's insensitive remarks. I usually read with interest and think how I would react, trying to generate some good-sounding comeback or decide whether they over-reacted. This time the experience was mine, and I'm not sure I was prepared.
Earlier this week I had one of my first major experiences with an unintentional social gaffe related to my daughter. I know that the woman's comment was just an attempt at making jovial conversation, but it jabbed my heart. Usually I would become angry at such a blab, but I know that things often fly out of my mouth without realizing how it sounds....and, so this time, no anger, it just made me sad.
The conversation emerged at a recent committee meeting (where unfortunately for my schedule, the conversation doesn't stay on the agenda). We were tossing about the news that one of our acquaintances had taken on a huge responsibility at the kids' school....I think it's great for her, others (who have merely 1-2 children each) were wondering if she could handle the added pressure. In defense of my friend who was being discussed, I said, "Oh, she'll do great! But, she does have four kids...that will be tough. I can relate." The unsuspecting offender across the table said, "And she even gave birth to all of them, so she's got one up on you!"
What?! Pregnancy and the birth process is totally irrelevant to the responsibility of parenting a person for a lifetime, in my opinion. I smiled, and tried to grace around that one so that I didn't attack the lady.
I don't even remember what I said after that. Something to the the effect of, "Oh, I guarantee that getting Lydia, caring for her, and loving her is just the same 'effort' and heart-ache as giving birth to her....perhaps even more so." I think I even blabbed something like, 'doesn't really matter whether the child came from my body, she's my daughter and requires the same struggle as any child...and I still have FOUR kids, no matter where they came from.' I blurred through the rest of the conversation, with a smile on my face, as if the gaffe had not affected me....I really sat there feeling sorry for myself, and for Lydia.
Shoving down the self-pity, the convo moved on to Lydia (due to curiosity from another momma) and suddenly five minutes later, the offender clasped her hand over her mouth and exclaimed "Oh! I'm SO sorry...I just realized what I said. I never meant to sound like that...." I was thankful that she realized the verbal faux pas on her own. "That's okay," I said (even though it wasn't). 'Toughen up,' I told myself, 'I'm sure it won't be the last time.'
I can take the insensitive remarks---I can ignore the reference that I'm not her birth mother. What worries me though, is what Lydia will have to deal with in the future. It's difficult enough for an adult to deal with/ignore those comments. Teaching a child how to respond and cope with the topic of her origin, is another.....thankfully, it is God, not us, who places people in families. He is the Maker and Creator of life. All is under His control, even family dynamics. It's tough to understand, but it is a comfort. He can take an impossible situation and make it wonderful :)
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