Dwarf Caretaker or Dragon Slayer?

Playing happily in her room :)

Disney princesses have been around for a long time...Ariel, who swims the ocean; Belle, who loves the Beast; and more current gals who are out to defend the world like crazy people.  "Brave" and "Frozen" are a few newer titles that come to mind, where the heroine is so fearless that she can conquer beasts, icy tundra, and burly bad guys like it's "just in a day's work." These chicks have it covered!



Well in my day, Disney's girls were a little more timid and cautious....BUT, they still got down to business and did what they needed to do.  They were sweet AND had a mission.  I am from the '70's, so my animated heroine favs were Snow White and Alice (from Wonderland fame).  It is kind of funny, but I have tended to relate to these girls throughout my entire life, and now is no different.





Today, I am trying to decide if I am Snow White, the dwarf caretaker, who sweetly attempts to avoid evil at every turn while focusing on her new little friends....OR Alice, sent to a freaky, strange land, encountering crazy antics along the way, in order to become the Jabberwocky-slayer and defeat the evil Queen!



Most days, I believe that I alternate between the two.  And as I look back on 3 trips to China, EVERY time, I have started out as Snow White and ended up as Alice.  I leave, intent on fulfilling a mission of finding out who I am supposed to be caring for, and sweetly and naively avoiding the nasty Wicked Witch along the way who taunts with the apple.  I run from her and then BAM!, I find myself in the midst of all kinds of weird events that make me doubt my sanity and pull out all of my courage and strength to slay the nasty dragon at the end...suddenly, I become Alice.

I LOVE Alice!  She is so willing to live outside the norm, so observant, so accepting of weirdness, so inquisitive to try strange things (and if that doesn't work, try something else even stranger), so willing to talk to the magical Cheshire cat and Madhatter, so eager to learn what her new friends have to say and accept their offers of help.  Alice escapes her real world and digs deep to find her courageous self in order to save Wonderland, and in the meantime finds her true self.  The dreamy, lame Alice is gone and the Dragon-Slayer emerges.

My previous trips to China were just like this, and this current trip was no different.  What begins as a relatively simple trip to bring home a child, becomes a contest of bravery, courage, and conquer.  After Trip #1, I contracted a parasite, wasted away to under 100 pounds, and felt like my life was ending.  After Trip #2, I came back wanting to toss out my little 2 year-old, who was a WILD WOMAN at that age...a fearless, sensory-seeking maniac!  And now, after Trip #3....well, read below....

Every little Chinese girl loves Madden, don't they?
Bonding time with brothers...

Upon arriving home, the pediatrician was concerned that Vivian was seriously dehydrated, but also felt that sending her to the hospital for treatment would be more traumatic than trying to heal her at home.  She prescribed several new meds to work on continuing to heal her sore mouth and her lips....and as a plus, Vivian started eating and drinking almost from the moment we walked into the house...happy!




After we arrived home and Vivian was slowly showing signs of being on the mend, I became sick...SUPER sick...the most miserable sickness that I have encountered since I had mono back in high school.  I caught what Vivian had, most likely from kissing on her sweet face and loving her (Snow White?), which turned into a battle that had me in SO much pain (Alice).

Cuddled up in the patchwork blanket that G'ma made

For an entire week, I was a complete mess....aches, pains, chills, mouth sores like you wouldn't believe (to the point of being able to eat NOTHING for days) and just pain blah.  It was decided that she and I most likely had symptoms of the herpes/shingles/chicken pox viral strain....which attacks you and emerges when you are run down and super stressed.  I never knew that you could get shingles in your mouth...OUCH times 10!  I have never had such a bad virus (and never want to again), but I could also see that there was nothing I could do about it.  I got it from loving her, and if that is what was required, I was willing to take on and slay that dragon.

Back to reality...see the little bundle on the floor?  Sleeping peacefully next to Mommy while I work on getting my courses ready...they were supposed to have started already :(  life happens....my students and colleagues are wonderfully gracious

Celebrating CNY with sister

I know that people have been wondering what has become of us since arriving home...and I will say, that it was very bad.  I am not surprised, because trips like this just do that.  China is wonderful, but for me, China is much like Wonderland.  You work really hard to figure out what you need to do, but at every turn, the entire energy of the place is threatening. When you are fulfilling your life's purpose, Satan will find every way possible to toss dragons in your way.  Adoption trips cause my hair and skin to dry out (to the point that skin sloughs off in strips and hair just looks like a bad wig), I lost 5 pounds, and basically came back looking like a total wreck.  But, what can you do?  You either slay the dragon or let it devour you....I am an Alice, so I will not allow dragons to get the upper hand.  They can breathe the fire for a little while until I find my sword, then they are in trouble!




So now, I am back to Snow White...caring for my little dwarfs.  My hair and skin have recovered, my mouth sores are gone....and I can eat Chipotle again without feeling that razors are dragging across my gums.

The dragons are dead...my little dwarfs are wonderful...Vivian is doing GREAT!  The boys are totally in love with her (which is a pleasant surprise...their attitude towards getting a new little sister has not been so positive...until they met her..because she is not the annoying little baby that they imagined, they have been so happy to fall in love with her...they love her hugs and getting to carry her around...she lets them).  Her little joyful self is finally shining through and she is such a peach.  I can't even describe how sweet she is!  She and Lydia play happily all day long and she is just the energy that the kids needed to balance them.

She is occasionally scared at the things we toss her way, but she braves the unknown just like a little Alice...accepting the strangeness, with a willingness to experience and love our crazy life.  On the other side, she is so loving and adores caring for her baby dolls, just like a Snow White.

God gave me just what I needed...a kind-hearted, compassionate, dragon-slayer!

    

Packing It Up..Again

Our last day in China! Tomorrow, we will begin the long journey home with an extra little person.  As I stayed up last night consoling the hurting 3 year-old, all I could think about was packing and home.  It should have felt so good to think that; but at the time, it caused worry, stress, and doubt that I would even make it. Then came thoughts about getting back into regular life...that almost made me hyperventilate.

Jason has been antsy for days...not even the gym is calming to him.  He is not the greatest traveler, and has mostly refrained from freaking out...we only had one instance; but since then, he has pulled himself together (relatively speaking!).  He has been wanting to pack the bags for the past 3 days..that's all I hear about!  I have ignored, until now...now, I'm ready to go too...to leave this place.  China may be the birth place of my daughters and I do value the history, culture, and beauty of this country...but, it is not home.  It has been difficult the past few days not to call the bellboy already and sit down in the lobby waiting for our driver with 2-3 days to go...that would be a sight!  I wonder how long it would take for the doorman or concierge to begin coaxing me out out of the lobby sofas and back to my room?  3 hours, 8 hours?  That's kind of funny to think about...

Several times this week, I wondered if Vivian would starve by the time Saturday arrived, or if her little body would start to shut down from lack of hydration and I would be flying home with a listless child in my arms. Then I might be accused of not taking good care of her...etc, etc.  Bad thoughts, go away.

I started to think about the long plane ride and how to get her through it without making everyone around us miserable...a dose of meds to make her sleep most likely...hopefully it works.  Her mouth hurts so badly that now she won't even drink.  We have to force it down her with the medicine syringe, which then causes her to scream and then makes her lips bleed terribly.  

Fellow plane passengers just don't get it.  I would love to wear a sign on my head and my back that reads "She's sick and scared...please keep your rolling eyeballs, sighs, and inconsiderate words to yourself...Even in Chinese, I know you are talking about me!"  On her first plane ride of her life (a week ago), we were seated behind a very beautiful young Chinese woman, dressed to the nines (Coach purse, Dior compact makeup, tons of ringlet curls all down her back, and an outfit that would never survive being near a child for 10 seconds).  Vivian began to freak when she needed to either put on her seat belt or let me hold her for the descent...she screeched, clawed at my face, tried to bite me...everything!  At one point, model girl turned around, took one look at the American holding the screaming Chinese baby and rolled her eyes, looking back at her flying companion 5 rows back.  At the end of the flight, I saw her complaining about us to her model-looking boyfriend...I'm sure discussing how, if they were parents, would NEVER let a child behave that way..and would have that situation under control.  Oh really?  I highly doubt that girl has ever touched a child in her life, let alone even begin to fathom what I was dealing with....my feisty self wanted to let her have it...I refrained...she wouldn't have understood my rant anyway. 

We are all very tired of hotel rooms, Vivian included.  She is most peaceful when I put on her little boots and tell her we are going out.  So, we go out for a walk or even just ride the elevator to get her mind off of her painful mouth and swallowing troubles.  We have been carrying her non-stop for over a week, as she won't walk or stand up (even in the room).  She seems so weak and achy and just flops to the floor with a scrunched up little face.  

On the last day in China, I refused to sit around, so we went out to explore.  One last park visit and a meal at the little Australian cafe got us through the day.  Strangely, packing the bags was a breeze.  I'm not sure how, but all of the items fit more nicely going home than when we came, even with adding a couple of souvenirs for the girls.

Today before we explored the park, I found more opportunities to use my translation app and realized that Vivian really knows what it is saying.  She is more relaxed when I prep her by talking with the app before we go out.  Tonight, I sat with her on the floor, determined to tell her everything that was going to happen tomorrow.  She might not understand some things, because she has never experienced them and so the words are meaningless.  But, I used very brief and precise little sentences with concepts that I knew she understood to tell her what was going on..."we will leave this place tomorrow"..."we are going home"..."we will ride an airplane"..."you need to wear your seat belt" (yeah, right)..."we will see a doctor"..."he will fix your mouth".  I then went through her picture book and described things again in Mandarin.."this is your house"..."we are going there tomorrow"..."we will leave China"..."you will see your brothers" etc.  

With all of that said, she then intently watched us pack up the bags and set them by the door.  She really did seem to understand because she acted so differently after that. She still wanted to be held, but was not crying and watched us silently, then slept the most peacefully she has in over a week.

Up bright and early in the a.m....tomorrow, Vivian will become a US citizen upon processing through Immigration in Chicago...hooray!

How Vivian feels about exploring the hotel courtyard...she wants to get out of these hotels!  She's thinking, "Wow, these people are super lazy...they don't even cook their own food or make their own beds!  My parents are lazy bums!"

Ups and Downs

It has been so overwhelming to see and hear of people all over the country praying for our sweet girl.  Thank you, thank you!

She continues to suffer with the sores in her mouth, which are now spreading to the corners and insides of her lips.  Her tongue looks MUCH better, but she now seems to have difficulty swallowing, so whatever is in there has worked towards the back of her throat and down into the esophageal area.  The past couple of days, she has been drinking great and that's what gotten us through the not eating for over a week. Yesterday we thought we were heading upward because she actually ate some bites of food without spitting it out! But, today, she has not eaten and even refuses to drink and holds her mouth in pain, pointing inside. She must think that either we don't understand her...OR, that we are total idiots and can't find any way to help her.  As we head out for dinner, you can hear her sigh,  "Oh, here we go again...what fools they are!"

She makes it through each miserable mealtime with a new game...she calls it "The Granny Game"  You pick and choose a ton of food, loading up a plate, but when you get to the table, you politely refuse each item, and instead, feed it to everyone at the table, stuffing them with everything on your plate!  It really is a sweet game and gesture, and I like to watch her play it...but wow, she is really insistent on you eating the food. You hate to reject for fear of hurting her feelings.  I let her pick what looks yummy, and if I don't like it when she's feeding it to me, I just have a taste, make a yucky face, and she'll snatch it back from me and toss it to the discard pile while shaking her head "no"... looking at me with concern, as if to say, "Good grief, it's gross? For heaven's sake then, don't eat it!"

Vivian is an old soul...a watcher, a thinker, a caretaker.  She acts like she's seen it all before and here to teach us something.  Tonight she fed me fettuccine, but had a difficult time wrapping it around the fork.  She was so careful that I get every bite and would swipe the drips off my chin and put them back into my mouth. She has definitely fed babies before!  However, in some ways, she is just a baby herself.  Like right now, she is dangling from my neck, crying her eyes out because she wants me to lay down beside her.

We pack up our bags tomorrow and fly out on Saturday.  I think we will make it home and already have plans for the doctor on Sunday.  Please continue to pray that she will keep drinking.  Her skin is starting to look papery, like her little face is wrapped in tissue.  No amount of Clinique Dramatically Different Moisturizing Lotion will help, it is dryness from the inside.  She's getting sick of Pedialyte....2 more days little one!

Jiě Jie..Mei Mei: Big Sister..Little Sister

Lydia has been waiting for over 14 months to become a big sister.  She loves the boys very much, but they definitely do not appreciate her singing and dancing across the kitchen, pushing baby strollers through the living room, or having to give up ESPN to watch her little girl cartoons.  She is just surrounded by male energy and has longed so much for a sister to share in our girlie interests.

Since she first found out that we were going to bring home Vivian, she has been thinking about the role of being a sister.  "Will she have coffee and dessert with us, Mommy?" (when we are out for a Sunday afternoon treat at the Plaza).  "Will she like to dance like me?" (as we leave her Chinese dance class on Saturdays). "Will she ride Beau with us?" (as we leave the barn from visiting and playing with our horse). "We need to buy her a Halloween costume" (Halloween came and went).  "We need to get her a stocking to hang on the fireplace" (Christmas came and went...twice).

These were the things occupying Lydia's mind while we waited.  It has been difficult for her and also to understand why it has taken so long.  On days when she drew pictures of her and her sister (one purple little girl, and one bigger pink one), she could not fathom why we just couldn't mail the picture to Vivian at the orphanage. Sometimes, the waiting got so long, that she would forget that Vivian was waiting for us too. If I talked about going to China, she would almost seem to ignore me, as if thinking, "Yeah right, you keep saying that. But, she's not here."

What Vivian thought of the Marriott earlier this week.....

She has cried for her, prayed for her, helped me buy things for her, and imagined sharing toys with her.  Her little dream came true when we stepped on the plane to fetch her little sister...such excitement!  We imagined that they would play ball together in the hotel courtyard, that they would run and play in the park, blowing and popping bubbles that Mommy would blow.

But this trip has not been like that....it has been so hard to watch.  Throughout Vivian's sadness and sickness, Lydia is learning what it truly means to be a sister....that it is not all rainbows, hearts, and laughter.  But, many times being a sister means crying, giving, and just being near.  It can mean pain and sadness while you watch them hurt and it means great sacrifice when they need to be put first.

I don't think she ever imagined that being the jie jie would look like this.  I am confident that there will be bubbles, laughter, dollies, and hugs with her sister in the future...I am praying that it is the near future before Lydia gives up on it.  I remind her, "try to touch her arm"..."see if she'll let you hold her hand".  In those moments, it seems that she is also learning what rejection feels like and loving someone anyway....it's tough, but you keep doing it, because you love them.




I am so thankful to say that God gave Lydia such a joyful, forgiving spirit.  She can smile through a dark cloud and push rays of sunshine through to the other side! Despite the frantic pace through airports and government buildings, her sister's sad face and pushing her away, and our worry and care over her sweet mei mei (little sister), her laughter continues to fill the hotel room, taxis, and restaurants wherever we go.  Lydia has loved China, even though it is not necessarily what she imagined it would be.




She has found her Mei Mei and I know she will continue to smile while her sister learns to love...

 

To Lydia, China is pandas, noodles, and people that look like her with black hair.  She has been successful in finding those elements on this trip!  Here she smiles with her beloved pandas.

Mommies Know Things....

Tiger watching over her while she sleeps

Finally, FINALLY after 7 days of not eating a bite of food, someone has listened to this Mommy and given me what I asked for 3 days ago...medicine to treat the blisters/thrush in Vivian's mouth that is keeping her from eating.

She had a lazy morning sleeping cuddled up to me with her little arm wrapped around my neck and her tiny feet squeezed between my legs.  She is now like a little baby monkey hanging on to her mama and won't let me go.  Jason says she is going to become an invalid because I carry her around everywhere, but when you haven't eaten for a week, you have very little energy to carry your little body through the lobby and down to the restaurant, right?

We almost had a little smile at breakfast and she is starting to talk a bit again (crying out "mama" to pick her up, but hey I'll take it).  Such a relief.  We walked to a park, which she slept the whole time and popped into a little cafe for lunch.  She tries to eat the food, grabs it into her hand, puts it up to her mouth, even takes a tiny bite; but then spits it out or starts to cry.  She has resorted to watching us eat while holding chunks of food in her hands (which she will not let go).  Yesterday she carried around a sucker for 6 hours, never taking a lick. And today, I had to crush her little spirit by insisting she leave the two chunks of watermelon at the restaurant instead of packing them back up to the room.

This is what she feels about eating....poor girl!

This happened again at the lunch cafe and that is when I saw and captured the evidence that would get what I wanted...while she howled loudly about having to leave behind an uneaten french fry and mozzarella stick (which had already been in her paws for 30 minutes), I peeked in her mouth and saw that her tongue was almost entirely covered with huge patches of blisters and lesions!  Quickly snapped a pic and sent it to the guide, again requesting that the doctor give us something for thrush.  2 days ago, it was a tiny round patch...but he could not get her to open her mouth and so dismissed it.  Today, there is no denying the symptoms in this picture...it is so yucky looking and has to feel absolutely terrible.

By 6:00, we had anti-fungal meds couriered to the hotel from the Dr.  Tonight, she tried even more bites, spit them out, but still was trying.  Poor thing!  She stares longingly at our food and I try to offer her a bite every few minutes just to let her know that she can have some anytime.  I just can't imagine not being able to understand us, still trying to please us, be polite, your mouth burning like hell, and you are starving your little orphan tushie off!  It makes me so frustrated that it took so long for us to get what she needed.

She is so, so sweet!  She now lets Jason carry her, but in the room just watches him with the most serious, analyzing face you've ever seen.  She just doesn't get him yet, but also somewhat understands his role. While we ate tonight, I let her carry a little package of fruit snacks to the restaurant, hoping that she would be content to hold onto those instead of carry out greasy/sticky chunks of food.  It worked.  She wanted to open the package at one point, but didn't want to eat them.  Instead, she held onto the juicy little chunk of treat, caressed it in her fingers, while pondering it with her eyes...suddenly out of the blue, she thrust the little red fruity snack out towards Jason and looked into his face...aw, she couldn't eat the fruit snacks herself, so offered one to her Daddy.  SO SWEET!

I think it melted his heart...that she is starving her butt off, that food is so comforting to her, and yet she was offering out all the food in her little hand as a token of love.  She then silently passed them out to Lydia and me.  After we were full of fruit snacks, she then suddenly grabbed my dessert fork.  I thought "Oh! She wants to try my tiramisu, smart girl!" but then she shook her head "no" and so carefully and methodically took the tiny fork, pressed off a little piece of Italian goodness and began to feed me.  She was so gentle and would not stop until I had eaten all of it.  What a sweet, compassionate, and giving soul she has. Love her so much!

She was so gentle and precise with the utensil that it makes me wonder if they let her feed the babies at the orphanage and help take care of them? What a huge heart she has.  Praying that tomorrow, she will be able to put the food into her own mouth comfortably...have you ever not eaten for a week (without being in the hospital or something) and still have to go throughout your day?  It must truly be miserable.  She is a tough, tough little girl.

Thank you, family and friends, for your continued prayers...four more days until we are home.

Health Update

Whenever setting out on a new adventure, you can always bet that there will be some bumps and hurdles along the way.  Which is an excellent reason to be adventurous, in my opinion, because then you truly find out what you are made of, learn new things along the way, and create experiences for yourself that enable you to help yourself and others in the future.  This trip has been so very full of all of those elements. Stressful? Yes.  Fun? Not necessarily.  Interesting? Yes!  Gives you something to talk about?  Yes!  Shows you what great people you have in your life and reveals all of your blessings?  A definite YES!

When we got to Guangzhou on Friday, Vivian was a grumpy mess...had not eaten, refusing to drink, feverish, and vomiting/diarrhea. She was a total wreck, but just seemed like a little bug that we could fix. We opted not to see a Dr. in her province because they aren't western at all and we were encouraged to wait until we got here.  Saturday, the kids were scheduled to have their routine medical check-ups, which is required for the immigration visa.  I was relieved that we would get to take care of this so early in our week here since she was already sick.  Our guide from the province had given the guides here a heads-up, so they put Vivian to the front of the line and assisted us in getting a more thorough evaluation than is typical. Overall, she had 104 temp, they saw the mouth ulcers, and diagnosed the dehydration there and suggested we go to a hospital.

That's where is gets tricky.  Our agency does this on a weekly basis, year-round, and they see children in these situations all the time....not so for me!  My kiddos are all very hardy, rarely ill, and we aren't ones to run to the doctor for every little earache or sore throat...we usually let things run their course and try to use home remedies as much as possible.  So when someone suggested that she go to the hospital, I felt a little out of my element...in my mind that is a huge deal!  In my house, urgent care or hospital is reserved for someone lying almost comatose in bed and/or about to bleed out from some injury that might require stitches!  We just don't do it...so this news was alarming.

The next trickiness, is that our guide suggested we try to avoid the hospital as much as possible.  She described that the practice here in these Chinese hospitals is to hook one up to an IV (no matter what) with a most likely 2-3 day hospital stay (no matter the diagnosis).  This also was alarming and added a dilemma to the picture...is she really that sick?  can we wait this out?   As the guide described the situation, the first vision in my imagination was so ridiculous it almost made me laugh out loud (which I might have done, if I'd not been getting stressed)....I imagined a scene from the old t.v. show M.A.S.H where it's all dark and dreary, being treated in a tent, with very primitive resources and patients scattered all about.  I shook the image from my mind....of course it wouldn't be like that!..."but maybe not far from it" was all I could think about.

Our other option was to see a western doctor that our agency has a good relationship with.  He could get us imported meds, be way cheaper, and probably fix her up.  We opted for that.  His office was very small and old-fashioned, kind of reminding me of the Dr's office I went to when I was little.  He was nice (in a curt, Chinese manner), spoke decent English (but I think misunderstood some of my intent when I described symptoms and jumped on ones that I felt were minor, ignoring ones I thought were more significant), and mixed up the meds himself back in a little room.

In some way, I am convinced Vivian knew what was happening and was more agreeable to us trying to help her. Before the doctor visit, she refused all our attempts to give her medicine/drink.  After the doctor, she accepted the prescribed medicines and drank the little Pedialyte-type drink that he suggested.  She would only take it from a 5 ml medicine syringe, but nonetheless was finally drinking.

Poor baby.  Only wants to lay around and has no energy...will drop wherever she is.
Here she landed in the suitcase and fell into an exhausted sleep after arriving in Guangzhou.  

Yesterday, however, after a day of antibiotics and no longer having a fever, she cried non-stop and bunched up her little body screaming in pain/discomfort most of the day.  It was miserable for us all and she seemed to be getting more pronounced symptoms of the other things that concerned me.  She has ulcers on her tongue (which I believe is thrush and why she cries and spits food out), what I believe is a UTI which is why she writhes in pain/twists around her little legs , a possible ear infection, little bloody pin prick marks all over her body (what the heck!?) and severe dehydration from refusing food/drink (which has caused little cracks all over her skin, and actual layers of skin to peel off in large pieces on her little tush).  By 4:00, I was at my wits end!  Called the guides and told them we must do something.  They helped us call the Dr. (mind you, it's Sunday and he's at home)...he was a little curt, only concerned that she had no more fever/vomiting (which was curbed by meds) and wanted me to rub the bloody marks on her skin with diaper-cream!  I persisted more about the ulcers in her mouth and UTI and her screaming in pain...he seemed to get fed up with my questions/concerns and finally said, "fine, then go to the hospital."

I have already said, that at home, we don't go to the doctor much.  But, if this were happening at home, she would have been in the ER 2 days ago.  She has eaten absolutely no food for 6 days, because it hurts, is existing on Pedialyte, and can't move from pain/discomfort.

At 5 p.m. last night then, I had to decide.  Hospital or not.  Even if it resulted in 3 days hooked up to an IV, I had to go.  

So, when I posted requesting prayers yesterday afternoon, we were truly in the middle of a frantic situation and gathering up things to go the the hospital, not knowing if we would return in a couple of hours or a couple of days.  In the midst of tossing items in backpacks and thoughts of $$, with a screaming preschooler in my arms, I sat down at the computer.  Jason looked over at me and said "what the heck are you doing?!" In his and my children's minds, I'm a bit addicted to my computer/phone; so when they see me doing something on a device, they always assume that I'm just hanging out eating bon-bons or something.  For a second, I thought about replying "oh no worries, I'm just over here reading Yahoo news" but that would sound kind of mean. So, I quietly replied, "I'm writing about this...putting out the word for prayers."  He understood and finished up the prep.  

The rest looked/sounded something like this:  the guide "we must hurry before the shift change"  us "okay, 15 minutes, oh yeah, how much money do we need?"  him "not too much, maybe $200-$300?"  us "okay".  He then leaves to make a call, returns and says "ok, I have called the hospital.  they do not take your credit card, so you will need to take $1K dollars with you, okay?" Us "umm...hmmm...okay" Geez!  I had strategically planned out all the cash we would need for this trip, and with one week down/one to go, it did not include an extra $1000 for this little detour!  We would need to find more green-backs.  So after a little strategy and quick thinking with online banking, we were ready.  Went down to the ATM to get the money I'd just transferred, to find that it would only give us $500 daily limit, of course, just like at home.  So, plan B, returned to the room, scrounged the rest from the safe (the amount that would get us through the rest of the week and back home) and headed out again.  Only to think about the travel insurance that I bought.  I DID think to buy travel insurance, which you had to pay up front, but would hopefully reimburse us.  I felt like I should call to get approval or at least notify them to make sure we didn't have problems filing claims later.  So, returned AGAIN to the room, scouring email for the insurance policy and contact information.  All the while, Jason, little Vivian, and Lydia were waiting in the lobby with the guide.  STRESS!

As is typical with all insurance calls, I spent 20-25 minutes on the phone trying to get the woman to understand what was happening (on a non-toll free, International roaming rate no less!).  By the time I came back, Vivian was sleeping peacefully in Jason's arms and the guide said, "Ok, now I must tell you of the risks of hospital.  It is full of very sick people, with no private areas, so you will be exposed to many things.  I need to tell you about the chance that you will get worse things...it is very risky.  For example, N1H1.  If the baby or you get that, you will not be allowed to return to the US and will cost you much money for treatment.  Also, the medicine she already has is stronger than what she would get at the hospital. Our doctor gave you imported medicine and is stronger, except for IV, which would take about 3 days.  Are you sure you still want to go?  We could wait until Monday and visit the western doctor again"  Apparently, he and Jason had been having man talk while I was gone and were weighing pros and cons.  I know Jason was seeing dollar signs (which is understandable) and the agency guide was fretting about being responsible for our health (which is also understandable).

Right at that moment I wanted to scream and go home. Lydia was already crying because she was fearful of what was happening, we had nearly drained our account getting extra money in preparation for a stay (because the CC wouldn't work in the ATM), my baby had been screaming in pain all day long, and now they were suggesting that I just go eat some McDonald's and get a good night sleep?  Blaaaahhhhh!!!!  Vivian had calmed down a little because we had double dosed her with pain meds and her skin was not looking so red, but more creamy.  My head hurt, and I felt like just climbing in bed with her, not really caring whether we both woke up...that sounds terrible, but I felt so helpless and wanting to hide.

We did return to the room, Vivian was more comfortable and slept, we did eat at McDonald's (which I RARELY do), and I climbed in bed exhausted, just in time to read your sweet comments in my email.  That's when it occurred to me what was happening.  The prayers and positive intentions sent out by our friends were being heard and taken care of by God, preventing us from needing the dreadful hospital.  Vivian let us put her PJ's on without crying, and climbed into her little bed area with Lydia more peacefully than she had in 2 days.  She slept soundly all night while God worked to heal her little body by purging out all of the toxins in there.  Today, she is not in pain, has been drinking her Pedialyte, took ONE bite of banana (!), and has been sleeping somewhat peacefully (but refuses to leave my lap).

Today, I am in serious problem solving mode to make this all better.  If things get worse, I will hear NO more of hospital talk, but will insist on requesting a medical expedite from the US Consulate to get us back home asap.  No more messing around and following the rules here.  I sent Jason and Lydia off to see the pandas this morning and am working to remedy this oral thrush myself so that this child will eat!  I'm making a concoction of probiotics in her drinks, and alternating with tea tree oil on her toothbrush, to dab on her tongue.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your prayers and words of encouragement!  One, I truly believe that our requests on Vivian's behalf have been heard and that she is being slowly healed.  Two, your prayers have been such an encouragement to me and my stress level.  By the end of last night I felt like curling up in the corner of the elevator in a weepy heap and refusing to budge until they put me and my family onto the next plane bound for NYC or Chicago...but, I thought that might somewhat impede the forward progression of our adoption and Vivian's citizenship if they began to question my sanity, so I refrained.

Instead, I was so lost in my mind and thoughts that I forgot to get off the elevator on my floor...I didn't even realize it until the sweet Chinese woman I was with in the elevator got off and came darting back to the closing doors, hollering "10, 10, it's your floor....this is 10!!" into the small crack.  Geez...how embarrassing. I had to ride all the way up to the top floor and back down, the whole time wondering when I might have realized that I missed my stop.  With how tired I am and how my brain feels, I might still be on that lift, riding up and down all night....

Please keep praying for little Vivian to return to her sweet, smiley self...thank you!

Very Sick...

Friends, please pray.  Vivian is very ill.  She has not been the same since our train ride last Tuesday night. We are now in Guangzhou, completing the last week of the trip (which pertains to Visa and immigration).

We are taking her to the hospital right now (which is very scary in itself), but have no other choice.  She has not eaten in 5 days and I feel that something is very wrong.

Please pray...thank you

Momma Analyzes Vivian

Painting our nails!

Because of what I do for a living, I am a constant analyzer of child development--social, communication, cognitive, and motor skills.  It fascinates me, keeps my brain busy (note: out of trouble) and is fun!  It's just what my brain does constantly and can be exhausting, but in times like this, I enjoy having that interest and ability to discern what I'm seeing.  I know that some of you reading this know what I'm talking about and can relate to this kind of thinking...it just becomes second nature and you don't even have to really think about what you are seeing anymore, it just happens.

My university students have seen my babies' early language samples and vocabulary development (from all four kids) to learn what typical language development and institutionalized/second language learning looks like.  I'm so happy that I did that on a whim when Sam was a baby nearly 14 years ago.  As I teach the students from my own kids' samples, it is so fun to look back and see how each child had different first words and different types of early sentence forms.  SO, little Vivian's speech and language skills will be documented just as carefully...what is a little different about her second language learning is that she is quite older than Lydia was....and that she has a cleft palate...fascinating and extra fun!

Also, I know that I have not shared with my readers much about her.  So here is my little informal assessment of my sweet Vivian within the first couple of days of meeting her (and from some previous knowledge given from caregiver reports):  

Background Information:  Vivian was born with a cleft lip and palate.  Her lip was was repaired at 1 1/2 years old.  The exact time of her palate repair is somewhat unknown.  An update given to our agency at age 2 1/2 said "oh, by the way, her palate has been fixed too", so it was most likely around that time (which is quite delayed compared to the care she would have received here in the US had she been born here and with a family)...palates are repaired much sooner than that in a typical situation.  Her nannies say that she can talk to them in phrases and they understand her wants and needs, but her speech is difficult to understand (which is expected even with a repaired palate).

Coloring with her sister

Based on the updates and developmental reports, she seemed on track; but I expected her to have some significant delays, because I feel that sometimes the orphanage might exaggerate their skills to make it sound better. However, within the first two days of meeting her, I observed things that pleasantly surprised me (actually made me so excited) and I will explain:

Vivian is now 3 1/2 years old.  When they put her in my arms, I could feel how tiny she is...all skin and bones and she has the little body of a 24 month old (but not the kind you imagine, with baby chub, but a more slender build because she is as tall as a 3-4 year old).  Putting on 2T clothes is generous, with the sleeves down past her wrist; and 3T is downright laughable, because the little jeggings just slip right off her skinny booty...the tiny panties I brought look like granny panties!

So, because of her small size and cuddly sadness, she appears like a toddler...that's what we thought anyway...boy were we wrong! She played the toddler game for a little while (letting us do things for her because we didn't know any better...how kind and sweet of her)  But, as we covertly watched her play, eat, and do things herself, it is apparent that she is very adept at 3-4 year old tasks.  Looks can be deceiving.   My first clue, was watching her body language, which is so hilarious!  As she would wait for us to talk to people or complete a task, she actually stood with her hand on one hip or with one finger on her cheek propping up her chin, like she was bored and impatiently waiting for us to finish...wish I had a picture of that.

The next thing that was so precious was her pretend play.  She opened and closed containers, dumping, pouring, and stirring like she was mixing up a yummy little dish and then fed them to whomever was around.  First her baby dolls, then her stuffed tiger, then people in photos.  She stood up her stuffed tiger and danced him around, then sat him to watch her cook.  While coloring with Lydia, she colored away and when her page was full, she silently turned to a clean sheet.  She can unscrew all containers, and when she eats her congee (which she starts to eat and then spits it out), she actually taps the spoon on the side of the bowl and scrapes off the drips before bringing it to her mouth.  She knew that if she laid the water bottle lid up on the armrest on the train, that it would fall off, so she handed it to me instead.


She can take on and off her clothes (which at the beginning she pretended not to be able to do...little stinker!) and can tell me when she needs a change (we have to use pull-ups now because of all of the running around we have to do and toilets aren't easily accessible).  She watches Lydia and I do a task and then tries to imitate us.  It is so sweet to watch her notice that she dribbled juice on her little dress or got eggs on the table and she will wipe it with a napkin.  She knows that we can't speak Chinese, so she uses body language...watching her shoo away an undesired item with a little hand wave is hysterical. (maybe I can get it on video).

Wonder if she has ever painted her nails?  She watched Lydia and then laid her fingers out to be next.  So sweet!

I have only heard a little bit of her talking and it doesn't sound too bad.  Considering that she still has a 1/2 inch fistula in the center bony portion of her palate, it is very typical cleft speech and is very easy to change once that hole is surgically repaired...now for the next part....IF she will even let us work on the speech.

Little missy is very strong willed and stubborn!  She is kind of sassy and knows what she wants (which are traits that I love and fit perfectly into our family).  Now that she is done playing "helpless" we are seeing that act was just to entertain us and her being sweet/kind to the nice strangers.  Now, she is ready to show us who she really is, and what she thinks is that she is in charge of herself and doesn't need a Mommy telling her what to do.  Well, I'm afraid she is a little mistaken and will be disappointed, because God gave her one of the most strong-willed Mommy's on earth and it will be a challenge to win at that game...Mommy always wins!  Even little ones at my office soon realize when they wish to engage in that power game...Teresa always wins.  Sorry, Vivian :)

Not wanting to get up off the floor...

Tolerating the camera with a sassy, impatient look!

One thing I have noticed that we will need to get checked out is a bit of asymmetry in her torso/shoulders which then has resulted in muscle weakness on one side (well, and overall core weakness)...maybe a round of physical therapy and some heavy lifting (meaning backpacks and pushing heavy buckets of toys) are in order?  She doesn't seem to have the sensory seeking tendencies that Lydia had, but maybe a little sensory avoiding?  She didn't seem too keen on dancing wildly to Katie Perry...hmmm....

As with any "analysis" little people evolve so quickly over time, and in this situation will most likely have ups and downs as she switches to new environments, new people, and new expectations.  Her speech and language delays are a given, and compared to US preschoolers who have early education opportunities, I'm sure she would look "behind".  But today, it is fun to talk about what she can do because it is all new to us and is who she is.  As time goes on, we will surely find other struggles and her "issues" (as Lydia likes to say..."Mommy, we all have issues don't we?") and tackle them as they emerge.  Until then, so thankful for the little person that we will have the joy of parenting...She is just perfect.




Will think about surgeries and therapy later...first things first, trying to get her to feel better....little V. is sick and feeling worse each day :(  More on that soon...

Won't even eat her suckers...just wants to lay on the carpet and sleep.
Fusses when I try to make her lay in a puffy, comfy bed....that must be her comfort spot

The Orphanage

Vivian's bed...
I think all of those Minnie's are kind of creepy.  I'm sure that thing is larger than my daughter!

Driving across cities in China is like driving across the state in some cases.  They say "it's on the other side of the city...not far" and then you ride and ride.  After waiting forever at the passport office for the orphanage staff to sign her paperwork, we found ourselves in the middle of afternoon traffic that made the orphanage visit very short.  We had to make it back to the train station by 5:00, so could only spend about 10-15 minutes there.  It ended up being just enough.

Vivian was asleep as we arrived and suddenly I found myself faced with one of the biggest decisions ever (or it seems like it right now), take her in...or not.  Throughout the van ride over there, I was convinced that I should take her in and was prepared to state my case to our guide and stand my ground.

As we pulled up to the tall concrete buildings, though, and the polluted sky dimmed from the departing daylight, something made me stay in the van.  Was it because she was sleeping so peacefully in my arms and I was afraid to upset her sweet slumber?  I believe that was part of the reason, but the other reason eluded me.  I am a fighter and most often am not afraid to speak up for what I believe to be the best.  So, why did I just sit there and let Jason and Lydia go in without us?  Did I not want to see her home in person?  Did I really think it would freak her out that badly?  I couldn't figure myself out at the moment.  It just didn't make sense....I had requested this orphanage visit and I was then content to just sit in the van??  Strange...



As I thought about my actions and waited in the van, I saw children walk into the gate, laughing, and enter the building.  They were the age of my younger two boys and seemed as if they were coming home from school.  Coming home...coming home to what?  To a warm supper, I guess.  Coming home to their familiar surroundings.  Coming home to their comfort.  The orphanage was "home" to them.






Next, I saw a string of children toddling down the hall and passed the front door.  I saw them parading by, attached to each other by hands clasped together.  They apparently were moving from one activity to the next and trying to stay in line.  It struck me again, that their little faces were cheerful and happy, as they looked forward to eating their dinner of porridge sprinkled with bits of meat and veggies...this was home...they were happy to have each other.


Jason and Lydia returned, camera full of pics and we were whisked away...Vivian never knowing that she was "back home"...she had slept the entire time.  Jason's report was "cold, deary, sad, sad, sad" and Lydia was quiet, then talked about seeing Vivian's room, her bed, the children.  She was happy to have seen it (by the sound of her report), but then quickly associated it to herself and said "it reminds me of what my baby house must have been like" Within seconds there was not a dry eye in the back of the van, as she cried in her Daddy's arms, realizing what that sadness was to not have us in her life...for the children to not have parents. She talked about wanting to save the children from that when she gets older.

We rode along in silence and it suddenly struck me what the orphanage visit was for. It was not for Vivian this time, it was for Lydia...to see the enormity of her and her sister's story.

It took me much longer to pinpoint the reason why I agreed to stay in the van and not take Vivian back in there.  It just is not like me to back down on something like that.  But, something truly made me hold back.  I did not realize it until the next day, but then it hit me like a heavy weight....when she began to push me away....to drop to the floor when I wanted to pick her up....to reject the sweet little clothes we brought by ripping them off and throwing them down...to toss her little tiger across the room...to curl up in a ball on the floor over in the corner of the room...to reject all of the food we offer her and not eat anything all day (which still continues).

Today, she is grieving...big time.  She misses her friends, she misses her porridge, she misses getting to roam around in a big room and be in charge of herself, she misses comforting herself in the corner with nobody to say anything or correct her, she misses having no one tell her to keep her socks on, she misses her little routine.  And, that, my friends is the reason I believe I did not take her in there. Somewhere deep down inside, I was so afraid that she would want to stay....that she would scream to get out of my arms and run to her friends and her nannies, and would scream to have to leave again. I see that now and it makes perfect sense.  I do believe that this might have happened and some instinct was protecting my heart from having to experience this rejection, so I sat quietly in the van.

In the restaurants and airport, I watch her stare longingly at the little Chinese children and I know that she is thinking about and missing her friends...what saddens me the most is that she loves them so and will most likely lose the memories of her first loves...her friends.  I don't know that she ever really had the chance to say good-bye to them...and I sat in the van with her. Heavy-hearted today...

Train Travel to Luoyang: Fast, Faster, Fastest

Boarding the "fastest" train

Today is the day that we are able to visit Vivian's orphanage.  We must travel to Luoyang to apply for her Chinese passport and then will drive across the city to see where she spent three and a half years.  Our guide doesn't think I should take her in...we'll see. I think she should go in and then see that she is leaving with us, but the guide doesn't seem keen on that.

First action item, complete the adoption.  Yesterday we signed a "24-hour" agreement, which basically allows you to take them overnight while the papers are processed.  The adoption was "official" yesterday, but today we go to sign additional documents and pick up the official adoption decree (which is needed to secure the passport).

Our guide is so sweet and just the type of person we like...tells you just what you need to know (no more, no less), doesn't smother you, but also knows just the right amount of helpfulness without being bossy.  As we drove through the city this morning, she described what the mass transit is like here.

They have a new subway in the city, which is a very proud feature at this time.  She then proceeded to tell us about the trains, which was a little humorous.  It went a little something like, "We have a train system that goes throughout the city. it is very nice and really connects, making shorter time to commute...but we aren't taking that train, because we have a fast train. it cuts the time in half and is very nice. it's so wonderful to have that type of train system here....but we aren't taking that train, because we have an even faster train...it gets you to the next city in 28 minutes"  We thought we were taking the "fast" train, but alas, we were to be on the "fastest" train...who knew there were three types to choose from?  I think fastest is best.

Getting comfy on the train...note: that was NOT our Coke...was left behind by someone else and she was a little miffed that she couldn't have it

Well, the train was fun and fast!  Over 180 mph and a very nice, new station with lots of looky-lou's who haven't seen many Westerner's before, especially ones with fluent English-speaking, Chinese little girls.  I really like train travel...much smoother and stress-free than the van rides here.  Lydia is very nervous riding in them (as am I!)  Each time we covertly search for the seat-belts (as to not be offensive to the guy's driving skills), but nearly every time come up empty-handed...either the buckle is broken, or in other cases, is no where to be found!  It makes to feel a little bit naked as you come within inches of other cars and motorbikes through huge busy intersections.

Sitting behind the distracted van driver

Our van driver in Luoyang was a hoot!  At one point, we were strategically making a left hand turn through a busy intersection, when his phone rang.  He picked it up "Hao" and started blabbing away, loudly. Then another ring came located somewhere from around the floorboard area.  He told the first person to hold on, and then proceeded to search the floor for the other phone.  He found it, wrestled around with the cords for about 20 seconds while it rang and rang.  He answered "Hao"....then more loud, blah, blah and he alternated between the two phones, and then began his turn, which narrowly missed a city bus.

He seemed to have more electronics and navigation systems than the FAA! 

Three things ran through my mind at that precise moment...one, "wow, he's popular"; two, "holy cow, shouldn't he have a free hand for turning the wheel, maybe he's using his knees, I can't see from back here"; and three, "where is the cameraman, because this is hysterical!" It was so ridiculous and funny that I started laughing and could not stop...I was crying back there!  Especially when our guide (who was a stranger to this man) at one point asked, "do you want me to answer that for you?" (when he was searching for the second phone and tangled up in cords).  I found myself in the middle of one of those fits of silent laughter where you end up needing to excuse yourself and leave the room, which I couldn't do.  So, I just pretended that I was experiencing some seriously touching emotional moment and dabbed my eyes while gazing at Vivian.  Maybe I fooled him?    



On the train tonight back to Luoyang, she was the most animated we've seen her, playing imitative verbal games with me and actually talked to us!  She even waved her tiny little hand at Jason from across the aisle and said "Ni Hao Baba" (Hello Daddy).  It was so sweet.  She's starting to warm up :)  She let me know what kind of food and drink she wanted by pointing to things (requesting) and would also point out things to me in the train or station and comment on them.  So sweet!  I even got a belly laugh from tickling her and her calling out "Mama" to have me pick her up. So much different from the serious stares that we got yesterday.  She's starting to show her personality....yay!

Feeding herself and her little friends' photos with pretend food

She was so sweet this morning, playing with her dolls.  She pretended to feed them and then looked through her picture books, found a picture of her friends in the orphanage and pretended to feed them in the photo.  It was so precious and also sad....she misses her friends.

Adoption Complete: Vivian Officially Has a Family

Adding the red thumbprint to all signatures.  And, first time riding in the sling.  She loved it!

We met our guide in the hotel lobby this morning to sign the rest of the adoption papers and place the red fingerprint seal over every signature.  It is quite a procedure...Vivian did okay with her hand print, but I could see her studying the red all over her hands and looking from my red thumb to her red hand.  I can't even imagine what was going through her mind...but to me it was such a sweet symbol of the seal over our relationship...like a blood oath of sorts.  I will be your Mommy forever.

Back at the Civil Affairs Office  to pick up the adoption decree.

     

Back At The Hotel: Waiting For the Dream to End..

Hesitantly looking at the photo album I made for her.

Throughout the rest of our first day together, I kept trying to place myself in her mind, imagining what she was thinking.  What kept coming back to me over and over, was the thought that she must be wondering when this little dream would end.  She must at some level, think "this is great...it's been fun, you all are sweet, but I'll be going back soon".

No problem taking the food we offered 

This whole afternoon, she seemed to be trying to act brave, like a big girl.  She rejected the bottle, the sippy cup, and the little baby spoon.  Instead, watched Lydia very intently and tried to imitate everything she did.  She watched Lydia eating with a fork and reached out for the utensils rather than the little plastic spoon.  As they colored, if Lydia used tiny markings, so did she. If Lydia used large sweeping strokes, so did she.  She took every cracker and treat we offered, and ate dinner like a large horse!  She seemed so very intent on pleasing us and going with everything we did (I wonder if the nanny told her to do that?)

Our guide advised us to just hang out the rest of the day, but as I'm not one who likes to do what I'm told, I just couldn't sit around, so we walked to a nearby park (nearly risking our lives at all intersections and even in the parking lot).  Pedestrians are definitely brave here, because they certainly don't have any kind of right-of-way...in fact, I don't think anyone does.  It seems like a free-for-all to me.  Even if you have little ones walking beside you, silent electric scooters whiz right by them on the sidewalk by the dozens.  We decided the safest option was to cross the street when a group does...walking across with a posse of slow old men seems like a good bet to me!  The park was nice and she toddled along so sweetly with her new little tiger....she grabs him tightly by the arm and totes him along with him dragging by her side...it is the sweetest thing ever!

Poor little thing was so dirty.  Bath right away!  She wasn't happy, but it was so needed...there was visible dirt in the tub after we were done scrubbing her. 

The warmest, gentlest, most thorough bath she's ever had, I'm sure

Surrounded by all her toys...she LOVED the plastic bracelets and knew exactly how to slip them on.  Yay! Definitely my girl..she loves jewelry!

Napping with Momma

Not sure that she has ever been touched or held by a man before and sadly, this is how she feels about Daddy right now...afraid :( 

Sweetest thing!  This is what we picked for her to wear today....after returning from the park, I removed her little jacket, hat, and bunny boots.  She looked longingly at them, I think wondering if she would get them back.  I just can't imagine how it would feel to have no personal possessions.

Going to the park!  Dragging along her little tiger.  She's so smart...if she accidentally dropped him along the way, she would tug my hand and point back, letting me know something was amiss...sweet, smart girl.

fish tanks at the park

Daddy's Girls...She let me step away just long enough to snap the pic.  If I'm not near, her little face will scrunch up and she lets out the saddest cry you've ever heard.  In the hotel room, she will also plop down on her bottom and puff her little lip out if J or Lydia try to get too close.  Hope that she lets them in soon

Inside the "bamboo forest"

Coloring with sister

Is that for me?  Gotcha Day cakes

As a Gotcha Day treat, we ate in a restaurant with a glass floor where water and little goldfish rippled by underneath.  It was fun for the girls to watch....again it looked like the waiters were doing "rock, paper, scissors" to see who had to serve us and use their attempts at English.  I felt sorry for the loser of that game...we actually saw his friends watching him, laughing, from around the corner as he struggled to understand us.  Even our little requests written in Chinese by our guide were confusing to him.   Instead of just bringing what we pointed to, he thought he needed to bring everything on our little cheat sheet.  It was hard to tell him differently...poor young man! 

Afterwards, we splurged at the hotel bakery for some pretty pastries for the girls to share a Gotcha cake (well, also for Daddy...he wanted some yummy-looking chocolate confection too).  

In all, a wonderful, overwhelming, and emotional day.  Vivian is doing great!  She is so afraid of the western potty, but we'll get it figured out.  Also, she won't drink anything I offer, from any kind of container.  Again, I'll figure it out.  I know she feels that is one of the things she can control at this time, so turns her head away. So be it...have some control little missy....it's been a long time coming.  Now, you get to make some little decisions in your life. Choices are fun!  

As she fell asleep tonight, I wondered what she will dream about.  Whatever it is, when she wakes up, I hope she knows that this is no dream; it is her new life! 

I feel badly that I didn't get to send her a birthday cake to the orphanage in April.  I could have hired someone here to do it, but because we are advised not to, I didn't.  For once, I followed the rules, and I regret it.  I have seen family pics of other little ones in the orphanage, even with my baby standing nearby....probably wondering why she didn't have a special cake.  Here is your first cake little one....the first of many!  Strawberry cream cake..yum!